I’ve been learning a lot about myself during the shutdown.
As an extroverted introvert, I miss my time with friends and clients. I miss the face-to-face interaction and laughter as I teach group fitness and Pilates Reformer classes. I miss watching the smiles on their faces as they complete a hard exercise sequence, celebrating that small but significant moment towards the ongoing achievement of their health and wellness goals. But the times of solitude in my home, interacting with family and having some hours alone, is what truly feeds my soul. I’ve tried to look at these additional moments of time as a gift instead of a curse, as opportunities for both increased productivity and self-care. I have also discovered that, like my grandfather, I have a voracious appetite for peace, quiet and control.
Yesterday we had a new roof put on the house after near-tornado winds several weeks ago caused significant damage – counting our blessings that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been!! The building team arrived at the crack of dawn and immediately swarmed over the house like a relentless mass of hungry locusts. They ripped and stripped off all the old shingles, laying the roof bare, then began the rebuilding process. Laying shingle upon shingle, hamming with what sounded like a bevy of machine guns, they moved along with precision and persistence. Though I knew it was all necessary, the constant bombardment of knocking and pounding and overall clamor (or as my grandfather would have called it, “racket”), raked over my nerves like the proverbial nails on a blackboard. I couldn’t just leave, as the house was tented and where was I to go anyway during a shutdown? So, there I sat, trapped liked a caged animal, surprised at how this was all “getting to me.” I was unable to control my circumstances, and I hated it. In the end, I chose to find a room far from the roof, I closed the sun-blocking drapes, pulled a weighted blanket over me like a shield from the sound and anxiety, and managed to fall asleep – a miraculous and blissful escape. The roofers completed their task, left as swiftly as they had arrived, and now we are safely covered with a healthy, strong, new rooftop, better than ever and it will probably outlast me!
So, what lessons did I glean?
I am certainly not as naturally calm or patient as I would like to imagine I am. I’d like to hope this was the cherry on top of the pandemic-influenced collective tension most everyone feels right now that caused me to so quickly go from zero to ready-to-implode. Since I pray often for God to help me to be a loving and patient person, maybe this was a lesson/exercise in growing those traits.
I am way more of a control freak than I would like to admit! I had to let go of what I was unable to control in that time frame.
In life we will have unexpected problems, often coming all at once, swarming over the peace that shelters us. Instead of complaining or feeling like it’s not fair, look at how these troubles may be stripping away what no longer serves us, or areas in us that are damaged and need healing.
Rebuilding/healing can be messy and complicated, destroying the silence of what we believed was comfortable and calm. It can dig in deep, disturbing us and causing us to want to run away and hide instead of staying in place, and doing the work. We may have to hunker down with our feelings and ride them out.
Sometimes the best way to manage when you feel overwhelmed and ready to lose it is to rest. Give yourself permission to go to sleep, care for yourself, and face your difficulties and struggles with a bit more energy and a fresher perspective.
Eventually (and maybe after we’ve learned the lessons given to us to begin with), the circumstances will end, hopefully making you stronger, wiser, more resilient and self-aware, and having developed your coping skills as well.
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